


(That Gleam in Your Eyes Is So) Familiar Ugly

by twisted_dendrites



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Blank Period (Naruto), Canon-Typical Violence, Enemies to Not Quite Friends But Almost, Gaara (Naruto)-centric, Insecurity, Jealousy, Long-Distance Relationship, Multi, Nightmares, Not So Much Foregiveness as Acceptance, Resentment, Self-Doubt, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-21 11:46:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30021288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twisted_dendrites/pseuds/twisted_dendrites
Summary: Gaara and Naruto have been together for years. Sasuke has been out of sight and out of mind since he left the village soon after his trial. His sudden return to Konoha brings up a lot of old tension and unresolved feelings—resentment, jealousy, anger, to name a few—on Gaara’s part.Sasuke and Naruto are best friends, a fact which puts a strain on Gaara and Naruto’s relationship as Gaara’s suppressed feelings come to the surface. With Iruka as a mediator, will Gaara be able to work through events of the past that left him with so much lingering hurt?
Relationships: Gaara & Uchiha Sasuke, Gaara/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 12
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know what you’re thinking (just kidding, I know now one is thinking this, but I’m gonna ramble anyway): “Did you really name this fic after lyrics you misheard from Sleeping Beauty when you were a kid?” Yes. Yes, I did. And you know what else? I didn’t know the real lyrics until that live action Maleficant movie came out and I was probably looking up a lyric video to listen to that dreamy Lana del Ray version of the song (it’s so catchy and was stuck in my head for months, and lyric videos usually don’t have ads for some reason lol). And then I was like, “Oh! Familiar a-gleam! Well that makes sense, and it kind of changes the whole meaning of the song to make more sense with the story!”
> 
> Anyway, so the lyrics that I misheard and the original meaning that I thought went with them made a lot of sense for this fic, so here we are.   
> This fic is a little different than the Gaara/Naruto stuff I usually write, because it’s primarily focused on Gaara and overcoming his mess of feelings regarding Sasuke (which will ultimately strengthen his relationship with Naruto), but it’s not so...(I don’t know the word I’m looking for here). Well, maybe you understand.
> 
> I guess I’m just rewriting all of the Blank Period at this point.

It doesn’t happen like it did.

Yashamaru’s hands, cold around his neck, crushing the life from him.

It’s almost ironic—the Sand Binding Coffin jutsu that would inevitably deal a fatal injury to him must have felt that way to his own victims. _Suffocating_.

He feels his uncle’s nails bite into his skin, though the pain is more recognized than felt. His body is more focused on the tight pressure at his throat. He can’t breathe, can’t choke, can’t speak.

“You are a monster. A demon, who can only love himself. And the result of you is carnage. You will only leave death and destruction in your wake.”

Gaara’s sand isn’t responding. Why isn’t it protecting him? His ultimate defense shielded him from any and all pain. Impossibly, it fails him now.

His eyes flick across the streaks of dirt on his uncle’s face. Streaks of blood.

_Whose blood?_

His vision is all kinds of fuzzy now. He barely hears as his uncle bestows his final condemnation.

“ _Gaara_.”

There’s a flash. Right—it was an explosion, and after there is dust and ash and sand everywhere.

Blood drips down his face, there’s more on the left side. If he touches it there, he knows it will sting. He does anyway. He can feel the word branded into his skin.

This is his punishment, his _irezumi kei_. For thinking he could ever go against his true nature.

_Gaara_

The self-loving demon.

-

When he woke from the nightmare, he was disoriented. As he took in his surroundings, his heart rate soared into wild rattling when he noticed that there was someone in the bed next to him.

_Yasha—?_

Adrenaline spread across his muscles like webs of fire before he remembered where he was. Before he recognized the other person as Naruto. And just as quickly as it came, the fear for his life left him. His body was exhausted from going from asleep to alert to ease. His chakra was still painfully off-kilter, so much so that he felt Naruto nudge closer to him in his sleep.

“Gaara?” Naruto’s sleepy voice asked, and Gaara suddenly felt leaden with guilt.

_It’s nothing_ , he wanted to respond, _go back to sleep_.

Instead he fished around for one of Naruto’s hands and haphazardly laced their fingers together. He brought their entwined hands to his face and kissed at Naruto’s knuckles. It was at this point he realized that his face _was_ actually wet, though not with blood.

He pressed his eyes shut firmly. He focused on Naruto’s warm hand tangled with his.

_Love_ , he thought. And it was hours before he could submit himself to sleep again.

-

He had thought it was going to be a special night. It wasn’t often that he had the excuse of going to Konoha on official business, and when the opportunity did arise, he always made sure to arrive a little bit early. Not early enough that he would be leaving behind mountains of pending duties in Suna, but just enough to be able to spend a little time with his beloved.

Ever since Temari had married and moved to Konoha following her marriage, Gaara was finding less and less time for vacation. Even leaving Suna for political reasons would earn him a day’s worth of griping from Kankuro and double that from the Council.

While her relocation provided him a more solid excuse to be in Konoha, and an acceptable reason to not rent an expensive hotel room that he would never use, her absence meant that Gaara’s workload had increased substantially. He hadn’t realized just how much busywork she eliminated from his day until she was gone, and he was too cautious to have hired a replacement yet.

Though things were hectic, Gaara didn’t mind, and he genuinely enjoyed his responsibilities as Kazekage. The only nagging dissatisfaction that lingered in the back of his mind was the long distance between Suna and Konoha. All the time he spent away from Naruto had Gaara’s heart aching, and neither he nor the Konoha nin had found a solution to bridge that gap just yet.

Hence, he had arrived the evening before he was required to meet with Kakashi about some mission in the northeast of Wind Country, all the way up by Rouran, which would require his escort.

Though, he had put all of those details out of his mind the minute he had stepped into Naruto’s apartment. Naruto wasn’t home yet, though Gaara knew that he returned around this time of day. While waiting, Gaara decided to surprise Naruto with dinner since he knew his boyfriend had already been expecting his arrival.

He had just set the stove on when he heard a knock at the door. Despite realizing that Naruto would never knock at his own apartment, Gaara couldn’t help the exhilaration that had him tripping over his own legs on his way to answer.

Of course he was disappointed when it wasn’t Naruto, but Iruka was a welcome surprise.

“Oh! Gaara-san. Naruto isn’t home?”

The chuunin was positively beaming, so intensely that Gaara couldn’t help but give a small smile back.

“No, not yet,” he confirmed.

Iruka rocked back on his heels, producing a torn envelope from behind him. Gaara had never seen mail cause someone so much joy. He thought any second now, Iruka might begin jumping around or dancing. There was definitely a strong parallel for how Naruto and his former academy sensei expressed their excitement.

Gaara sent Iruka a look of confusion as he accepted the envelope.

“It’s the results of Naruto’s jounin exam. I couldn’t resist looking. He passed!”

“Ah.” Gaara slid the contents of the envelope out and peered at the official documentation that now identified Uzumaki Naruto as a jounin. Warmth overflowed from his core as he stared down at the paper, and he felt a smile to match Iruka’s spreading across his face.

“He’ll be so happy to find out,” Gaara breathed. Carefully, he tucked the paper back inside the envelope. “Would you like to come in? We would be happy to have you for dinner.”

Iruka was always so pleased with Gaara’s politeness, and today was no different. All the emotion finally seemed to overwhelm him, and he had to swipe the back of his hand across his eyes.

“I wish I could, but I have to meet with the Hokage. I figured he wouldn’t mind if I was a little late, considering his track record,” Iruka drawled. “If I see Naruto around, I’ll send him home to you. You know him, he probably lost track of time and is talking Elder Koharu’s ear off about something. Of all the traits he could have picked up from his sensei, of course it would be a complete disregard for anyone’s time...”

Iruka trailed off, maybe realizing he was indirectly criticizing the Hokage.

Gaara nodded his head in thanks.

“Oh, by the way. If I do happen to see him, you don’t mind if I tell him the results do you? I think he’ll take one look at my face and figure it out anyway,” Iruka continued.

“Not at all,” Gaara replied.

Internally, a selfish part clawed at him to ask Iruka to keep it a secret. With a deep breath, he tried to let the feeling go. After all, it had been Iruka who worked with Naruto these past few years in order to get him to pass the exam. This was as much his success to celebrate. And, of the few times that Gaara had been around when Naruto was studying, Gaara hadn’t been any help as he didn’t know much about the intricate histories of Konoha that were featured on the written portion of the test.

“Thanks! Have a great night!” Iruka shouted before running off.

_Just like Naruto_ , Gaara thought wryly as he shut the door behind him. He lingered by the entrance for a moment, bringing the letter to his chest and pressing it against his warm heartbeat.

_Naruto made_ _jounin_.

Gaara knew how much this would mean to him. How they’d been treated as children, it had felt like the greatest privilege to be granted permission to become even genin.

Though Naruto was one to frequently question tradition, he had never lost sight of his dream to be Hokage. Making jounin was just another step up that ladder, and a rare time where Naruto could pause to actually feel proud about his progress and accomplishments. Too often he dismissed his own actions as necessary—as just doing what he could, or the ‘right’ thing, or what anyone else would do. Too often he shared credit with those who, in Gaara’s opinion, really didn’t deserve it.

But no one had asked Naruto to become jounin, and it wasn’t technically required in order to become Hokage. This was purely an achievement all on his own, unarguably based from his talent and hard work. He might finally see that and feel proud of himself, instead of relying on the judgment of others.

For the record though, Gaara was very proud of him too.

As Gaara moved back into the kitchen, the warmth from the stove met the warmth in his heart. He placed the letter on the kitchen table and moved back to the stove, feeling dreamy. Even though their time together would be short, it seemed that luck was already smiling down upon them.

-

The moment that Naruto opened the door and walked into his apartment, Gaara’s heart felt so full. He felt like everything he’d ever dreamed of was finally coming to fruition. He moved to cross the space between them to take his lover into his arms and kiss him until they were both dizzy.

Every feeling of elation within him evaporated as soon as he saw Sasuke follow through the door after Naruto.

Sasuke closed the door behind him like it was his apartment to come home to. He followed Naruto into the kitchen with the elegant grace of an _onnagata_.

The comfortable glow of the stove which had blanketed Gaara all afternoon in a calm and loving haze roared into a hateful inferno. He hadn’t seen the Uchiha since his trial three or four years ago, and time had only hardened Gaara’s heart towards the man.

“Gaara!”

Gaara stiffly accepted the hug that Naruto offered him. All the while, he didn’t take his eyes off of the sinister interloper who sat down at Naruto’s kitchen table with nonchalant ease.

His hair had grown longer, and it he wore it to obscure his Rinnegan. For someone who supposedly spent his time on the road, he was meticulous in appearance. His dark hair was smooth and glossy. His skin was pale and unblemished. Even his fingernails were all of uniform length, neatly trimmed, and lustrous.

He leaned back in the chair, too impudent to even look away as Naruto embraced Gaara. His thin rose-petal blushed lips rested in a smirk. He had that same damn knowing smugness that Gaara always hated seeing on his face. It was his signature look, and time had only magnified his predatory aura.

When Gaara barely responded to the hug, Naruto quickly backed away, embarrassed.

“Ah, Gaara, hey.” He rubbed the back of his neck, then looked over his shoulder to Sasuke.

Sasuke’s eyes slunk from Gaara’s to Naruto’s, and Gaara felt a white-hot spike go through his chest, urging him to rip the Uchiha’s eyes out for daring to share eye contact with his boyfriend.

It was the _way_ he looked at him. It was _everything_ about him. It had Gaara grinding his teeth without even realizing.

“We saw Iruka-sensei on the way home, and he told me I passed the jounin exam! I thought we could all go out for ramen, but it looks like you already made something…?”

Gaara couldn’t tear his eyes away. If he hadn’t spent years of his life schooling his features into an unreadable blank mask, he was sure the murderous glare he would be displaying would have had Sasuke’s Sharingan blazing. As it was, at least he could keep his emotions off his face, even if they were wringing out every last organ on his insides.

“I made extra,” he managed to say. His voice was toneless, completely empty of anything. He willed himself to be like one of Kankuro’s puppets. Human, but lifeless. He couldn’t let this situation take control of him—he couldn’t let himself lose control.

It was true that he had made extra, though that was because he had anticipated that Iruka might return with Naruto. He almost felt a little resentful of the teacher now. He’d seen Naruto and Sasuke on their way over here...couldn’t he have done something to get rid of the Uchiha?

_Couldn’t anyone?_

Memories from the trial surfaced in Gaara’s mind, and it took a great effort for him not to react. Everyone had been lenient with Sasuke, and it was solely because of the testimony of Naruto. Mere weeks after being beaten within a breath of his life, Naruto had stood on the stand resolute, with tears in his eyes as he pleaded for forgiveness that was not his responsibility to ask for. No one could move against the person who had just essentially saved the entire planet, least of all Gaara.

Sasuke’s complete exoneration hadn’t sat well with him in the end, but there was a certain relief of pressure when he learned that Sasuke was striking out on his own. And in the three or so years that Sasuke had been absent, Gaara had more or less wiped his existence out of his mind.

To feel his slithery cold chakra again—so frigid, yet neatly sorted, like freshly spun frost —was an unwelcome noose around his neck. Any wrong move would spell certain death.

Gaara’s hands were rigid and flat at his sides. He would not risk clenching them into fists and issuing the slightest hint of a threat. Sasuke was prideful, he would not back down from a challenge—perceived or real—and as far as Gaara was concerned, the Uchiha had nothing to lose.

The tension in the room was horribly, _horribly_ awkward and obvious. Even Naruto, lifelong chatterbox, was stilted in his speech.

“Ah, so, um, well, since you made dinner, Gaara, the least I can do is serve it.”

He motioned for Gaara to sit down, which he did across from Sasuke. As Naruto turned to the stove, Gaara wondered on which side of the table Naruto would sit. He wasn’t sure which side would make him feel any better.

Sasuke’s eyes seemingly followed Naruto bumble around his kitchen, almost burning himself as he brought food from the stove to the table that Gaara had already set. He sat completely still, in a way that Naruto could never accomplish without effort. As food was placed in front of him, he merely glanced at it, as if he weren’t hungry but would eat as a favor. He was completely relaxed, not at all on guard like Gaara, and Gaara had to admit to himself that his foul mood wasn’t entirely caused by the things he _knew_ Sasuke had done.

Some of it was entirely speculation.

When Naruto finally sat down, at the third edge of the table—not choosing a side—Sasuke sent him a pointed look, from the food to his eyes, questioning. Gaara knew he must be wondering why the Kazekage would have access to Naruto’s apartment when he wasn’t there, and why he would be cooking them dinner. The reasons were obvious enough to deduce, though a bitter explanation rested heavy on Gaara’s tongue. He watched as Naruto looked away, red, and he swallowed down the words he so desperately wanted to weaponize against the Uchiha.

_He’s mine, and I am his._

_You don’t belong._

If anyone could hold a conversation with an empty room, it was Naruto, and he certainly put that skill to the test over dinner. Usually Gaara could use his diplomatic Kazekage training to force some kind of small talk, but he didn’t care if the Uchiha felt uncomfortable with his silence. Sasuke didn’t seem to care all that much though, nor was he very talkative himself. But, Gaara could see in the little glances that Sasuke and Naruto shared that words were being communicated, and that only made him angrier. The noose pulled tighter.

When dinner was thankfully over, Sasuke had enough sense to know to leave, though even his parting words served to piss off Gaara further.

“Well, I was planning on crashing on your couch, but it seems like you’ve already got company. Hopefully the inns around here aren’t as overpriced as they used to be.”

Naruto’s mouth always moved a little faster than his brain, though he had been working on it. “You can sleep on the—” He shut himself up abruptly, red once again.

_On the couch, since Gaara will be sleeping my my bed_ , Gaara supplied in his head. Even for someone as tactless as Naruto though, Gaara knew that statement was too bold. Still, something more vague could have been appropriate, _Gaara’s not sleeping on the couch_.

Gaara said nothing. He didn’t want the Uchiha staying, even if it was only on the couch, and he partially wanted to know what Naruto would say. Sasuke had left pretty soon after his release. There wouldn’t have been time for Naruto to tell him.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow dramatically. Fluidly. Like he had practiced raising his eyebrow a thousand times over so that for moments like these he could utterly humiliate someone with just that small movement.

“What? On your floor? On your roof?”

Naruto laughed then, hearty and loud and full of relief that he wouldn’t have to explain his slip up. Gaara was stiff and still annoyed. He wished Sasuke wouldn’t draw this out.

“By the way, Gaara,” Sasuke added, turning his flinty serpentine eye towards Gaara. “Didn’t you used to carry a gourd?”

With a simple question, Sasuke stabbed him between the ribs and vacuumed away all the heat that had been thrashing against his chest for the past few hours. The Uchiha didn’t wait for a reply, uttering a quiet, ‘Hn,’ before finally making his way to the door. Naruto followed after him, shouting his goodbyes while Gaara stayed frozen to the spot behind, left in the Uchiha’s icy wake.

_Of course he would have noticed._

Gaara could nearly hear the hiss of his sand shifting inside its gourd from behind Naruto’s closed bedroom door, and suddenly he felt like a fool.

-

Later, they were on the very same couch that Sasuke had claimed earlier, and Gaara couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Naruto mouthed at Gaara’s neck, his hand clutching at the juncture of where Gaara’s mandarin collared shirt was still buttoned, about a third of the way down his chest. Gaara’s sand armor was off, but he could hardly tell the difference as Naruto’s fingertips spread across his skin.

Sasuke had fully intended to sleep here, like Naruto’s permission was already a given.

_Had he slept on this couch before? Had he slept in Naruto’s bed before? Had they been like this before?_

_So intimate…_

The line of questioning was illogical, and Gaara knew he was only hurting himself by letting it go on. Despite knowing that his pattern of thought was unhealthy and unhelpful, the questions didn’t stop coming. He couldn’t stop himself from catastrophizing.

Naruto had gone to the literal ends of the earth for Sasuke. That kind of deep commitment…their closeness...regardless of whether it was entirely platonic or not, frightened Gaara to his very core. Down to the smallest part of him, where he was just a child, losing the only person he’d thought had ever cared about him. Having that person admit that everything was just a ruse just moments before committing suicide in an attempt to take Gaara’s life.

Even later, when he’d learned the truth of his uncles action’s from his father, the questions would not disappear. If he really loved Gaara, why would he follow through with the Yondaime Kazekage’s plan? Was love something so easily washed away or put aside? Or had it been Gaara, after all? He simply wasn’t born to be loved.

Naruto licked a long hot streak over the cords of Gaara’s neck to behind his ear. Gaara shivered, but it wasn’t from pleasure.

Sasuke had known. How did he know? Could he read Naruto so well that it was obvious? Or had Naruto told him in one of their unspoken conversations between glances at dinner?

Was the connection between them that strong?

How could they have forged such a deep personal knowledge of each other?

How could they have formed such an ever-lasting close-knit bond?

Gaara could only assume that they shared something else in their past. Something other than friendship or kinship. Something more raw and bare and vulnerable that left nothing between them and allowed their very souls to become entwined.

It physically _hurt_ Gaara’s chest to imagine.

“Gaara?”

Naruto had pulled back, and Gaara hadn’t even noticed. He’d really been out of it then, stuck in his own head, completely inattentive and a shitty lover too. He opened his mouth to say something, and his breath escaped in a staccato pant.

“Everything okay? Did you overdo it again on the way here?”

Naruto leaned back, a sunny smile soft on his face. The massive stores of chakra within him swirled slowly and lazily, abundant and warm, jumping off him like sparks every now and then. He was the sunshine to Sasuke’s harsh cold moonlight. They complemented each other perfectly, like two sides of the same coin.

_Gaara was the one who didn’t belong._

The smile slipped off Naruto’s face when Gaara didn’t respond. He didn’t move, he couldn’t say anything. His breathing came in uneven gasps. Naruto moved out of his lap to lay at his side.

“Gaara, what’s wrong?”

Naruto’s fingers brushed through Gaara’s hair, and Gaara could clearly picture the same calloused digits gliding through Sasuke’s silky locks. Cupping his face. Kissing him between laughs.

Of course, Gaara knew that Naruto would _never_ be unfaithful. But that didn’t mean that Naruto would ever love him in the same capacity as he might have once loved Sasuke.

“Gaara...”

Gaara finally allowed himself to meet Naruto’s stare. His unresponsiveness had clearly upset Naruto. He wished he knew how to answer, or how to stop the hurt in the still covered part of his chest.

“Please don’t shut me out.”

Gaara was startled by the statement. He felt himself coming back into his surroundings.

Naruto blinked hard. His chest was pressed against the side of Gaara’s ribs, and Gaara could feel his heartbeat racing erratically. Immediately, Gaara felt awash with guilt.

Naruto wasn’t afraid of losing the ones he loved like Gaara was. For Naruto, growing up with no one, that was his default. He fully anticipated Gaara to move on from him one day.

The guilt intensified.

“It’s Sasuke,” Gaara admitted. He felt no reason to hide it. He didn’t want any distance between them. “I feel...jealous.”

It was as best as Gaara could describe what he was feeling, though Gaara felt it was an inadequate summary. He couldn’t think of any other words to articulate his meaning, and his brain was overworked as it was—too busy torturing himself with fabricating some kind of fairy-tale romance between Sasuke and Naruto.

“Of Sasuke?” Naruto asked, his eyebrows scrunching together in confusion. “Eh, why?”

“You’ve always been...close,” Gaara supplied, breathless.

Now that he had let himself look at Naruto, he couldn’t look away. He watched as understanding filtered through his features. Naruto’s face became stormy. He frowned as he tucked himself closer into Gaara’s side, and flung an arm over him, drawing them closer together. Squeezing Gaara against him in a fierce hug.

“Gaara, there’s nothing, _nothing_ to be jealous of,” Naruto said firmly.

Gaara let out a sigh. “I know...”

And he did _know_. But knowing had little impact on how he was _feeling_.

“I’m...sorry,” Naruto said, after a few beats.

Gaara had thought his heart couldn’t sink any lower. Now he wondered if he even had a heart, causing Naruto to feel this way.

They only had so many little moments of time together. So precious few times where they could fully appreciate being together in the flesh. And Gaara had gone and ruined the whole night because of his irrational insecurities.

“Don’t be,” Gaara murmured.

Naruto’s own self-doubt was undeterred. “Is there anything I can do…?”

They both knew the answer to that, and it lingered in the air between them, unspoken and unyielding.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is no love triangle here btw. Naruto doesn't have feelings for Sasuke and Sasuke certainly doesn't have feelings for Naruto lol, no matter how much Gaara might think so. It's all the wonderful influence of ~anxious thoughts~  
> This is just about Gaara working through some stuff

The morning after was better.

Gaara was still frustrated with himself for feeling what he had and for reacting so strongly. He thought about all the ways he could have acted differently. How he could have spent the night with Naruto in a way that completely eclipsed any thought of Sasuke.

By the time Naruto got up though, there was no time for that. Naruto was back in his usual high spirits. He gratefully ate the breakfast Gaara had prepared, then dutifully washed and put away the dishes. All the while as he got ready for the day, he gushed about his success at passing the jounin exam and what that meant for him going forward.

Gaara was glad to finally hear what Naruto thought about it. The Leaf nin’s signature hopeful enthusiasm sank straight into his bones, loosening the tension that had kept him stumbling through a sequence of bad dreams all night. A small part of him was disgruntled that _Sasuke_ had been the first one to see Naruto’s reaction to the news.

But Sasuke wasn’t here now, and Gaara tried to move past it. He gathered up his things quickly and efficiently since he knew he’d be leaving on the mission right after meeting with the Hokage. By the time he was ready, Naruto was surprisingly waiting for him at the door.

Naruto spent most days working at the Hokage’s office, so naturally they could walk there together. Before that though, they said their goodbyes to each other privately, just inside of Naruto’s closed apartment door.

Their kiss was long and slow and underlined with just enough heat to remind Gaara what he’d missed out on last night. He tried to let the kiss ground him, to have his feelings settle. Gaara ran his hands down the lengths of both Naruto’s arms, marrying their hands together between them. When their time was almost up, Gaara leaned his right temple against Naruto’s shoulder and breathed deeply.

“Be safe,” Naruto whispered, and he craned his neck and kissed the kanji on Gaara’s forehead.

This time, the contact brought no pain, only a steady and gentle warmth.

-

The cosmos were punishing Gaara for some reason. Not that there weren’t several reasons why Gaara deserved it, but now of all times seemed like an odd choice. His bloody past took place years ago, and if he hadn’t been judged then, he assumed that judgment would come at the end of his life.

Apparently fate just worked on a bit of a lag.

Gaara stared morosely ahead at the two-man cell he was obligated to escort through Wind Country. If Tsunade was still Hokage, he might have shifted some of the blame from the mysteries of the universe to her twisted sense of humor. Kakashi too shared a warped humor, but he would never purposely do something like this.

In front of where Gaara was standing alongside his new charges, Naruto had his hands on the Hokage’s desk and was arguing quite loudly that he should be allowed to go on the mission too. Gaara could only barely follow his logic, but that was probably because his thoughts were still swimming.

He remembered the details of the memo the Hokage had sent him, but it seemed that he had been a little too distracted by the possibility of getting to see Naruto for an impromptu visit to read that deeply into all of the information.

He knew that it had do with something Sasuke had discovered on his travels. Sasuke had sent a message to Kakashi detailing his findings. He’d stumbled across evidence related to an old Konoha investigation surrounding someone named Mizuki and a ‘Secret Document Recovery Mission.’

Based on Sasuke’s survey of the area, there were still documents that could possibly be recovered, but the area was unsafe and had been long since closed to the public after the Niidaime Kazekage and some monk had battled there. Not only did the location require the clearance of the current Kazekage, Sasuke had pointed out that retrieval of the documents might be easier for someone who was familiar with Mizuki.

Hence the current team lined up before the Hokage’s desk.

Sasuke and Iruka.

Gaara couldn’t fault the logic of the team. Without question, their group was the most practical, and had Gaara been in Kakashi’s place he would have made the same decision.

Gaara tamped down the urge to look over his shoulder at the person who had torn his self-confidence to pieces. For some reason, he assumed that Sasuke wouldn’t be going on the mission as well. He should have realized when he’d seen him in Konoha last night. They would be traveling together for days, and Gaara had no idea how to handle that. Adding Iruka, Naruto’s pseudo-father, into the mix only complicated things further.

Gaara’s head pounded, blood rushing past his ears in a thick unforgiving beat that nearly drowned out Kakashi as he calmly shot down Naruto’s argument.

“Iruka taught with him at the academy for years. Anyway, have you forgotten that you’re in the middle of that research with Karin? She came all the way from Kumo, and I’m not about to cross her, or Sakura for that matter. Are you?”

Naruto was instantly cowed. “Ah, that’s right...I guess there’s no other way...”

So the trio was cemented and dismissed.

Naruto waved all of them goodbye. Iruka waved back. Gaara nodded. Sasuke simply turned and took off, leaving Iruka and Gaara to catch up.

-

Iruka attempted to lure Sasuke into conversation several times over the next few days. The first time being soon after they had departed the village. Gaara hung back, having no desire to communicate with the Uchiha other than what was necessary. Out of curiosity, he watched as Iruka ran through a series of friendly questions that Sasuke halted with short, usually one-word answers. Sometimes, it appeared he didn’t answer at all.

Eventually, Iruka gave up and fell back with Gaara. The expression on his face did not suggest that he was disappointed in Sasuke’s reticence, but Gaara was still marginally satisfied that Iruka traveled by his side for the rest of the day. Even though Gaara knew he wasn’t any better of a conversationalist.

Since their destination was an area that Gaara was more or less familiar with, and Gaara made trips between Wind Country and Fire Country more frequently than the average shinobi, he was well aware of their rate of progress. When Sasuke stopped a few hours after sundown to suggest camping for the night, Gaara mentally calculated how long their mission would take just based on traveling alone. His estimate of roughly ten days in total was not comforting.

Though he had the stamina to continue traveling, he also recognized that Sasuke hadn’t stopped for his own sake either. From the few exchanges that Gaara had shared with Iruka throughout the course of the day, he had learned that this mission would be the man’s first in a long while. Even without knowing that though, after the sun had set, it was obvious that the chuunin’s endurance had begun to flag. So, Gaara hadn’t raised any objection to stopping.

Gaara also didn’t say anything about Sasuke being in the lead. While Sasuke was the one who knew the exact location of the site they were going, Gaara was certain that he knew Wind Country better and could get them in the general area quicker. However, if it kept the Uchiha farther away from him, Gaara didn’t care if he thought he was the one leading the team.

Besides that, part of Gaara’s concern had shifted from ignoring and avoiding Sasuke to Iruka’s constitution. Not that they hadn’t made a decent headway on their journey, because they had, but because Gaara was predisposed to worry. It was obvious that Iruka kept up with his training, since he was one of the most well-respected instructors at the academy, but Gaara knew that theory and application were two different beasts. The fact that their mission brief explicitly called out no anticipated risk of enemy engagement coupled with Gaara’s knowledge that there was no crime reported in that area of Wind Country barely prevented Gaara from further over-analyzing the situation.

Over dinner, Iruka kept Gaara’s attention by filling him in on more of the background of the mission. Whether he was saying it for only Gaara’s sake, or whether it was for both his and Sasuke’s, Gaara couldn’t tell. Gaara also could not tell whether or not Sasuke was even listening. His expression was indifferent, and he seemed more focused on his food. The whole day he had acted similarly, bland and blank and untouched by his surroundings, like wind passing over an already smooth rock. No skilled shinobi was ever unaware however, which indicated that it a carefully constructed neutrality.

Most shinobi wore some kind of ‘mask’ whether it was physical or figurative, and Gaara had never considered that to be abnormal. As Kazekage, he wore several ‘masks’ of his own, depending on the situation. Something about Sasuke’s tight-lipped frown was different...disconcerting in a way.

“Believe it or not, Mizuki and I were childhood friends,” Iruka explained through bites of fish.

Gaara poked at the fire, contemplating whether or not to add more wood yet. Across the way, Sasuke sat with his back against a tree, ever defensive.

“Not to bore you with the details, since they are mostly irrelevant, but we met at the Academy. We trained after class sometimes, and he actually helped me improve my ninjutsu a lot! Looking back now, and knowing that he didn’t come from a clan with a particular hiden jutsu, I guess it might be sort of suspicious just how skilled he was...but as an Academy teacher myself, I can say that it’s not that uncommon.

“After graduation, we drifted apart a bit. He became a chuunin before me, and he was assigned the Secret Document Recovery Mission, which apparently was a turning point for him. The documents detailed several advanced sealing techniques, and had been brought from Uzushio with Uzumaki Mito, the first Hokage’s wife.

“Mito had a younger distant cousin who had been born as a Sand shinobi from a mother who had long since left Uzushio. Due to his Uzumaki ancestry, he was expected to be a reliable host for a bijuu, which Suna had recently acquired. Mito-sama sent the documents to his family before his birth so that he would become the first jinchuuriki of Suna right after he was born.”

“Bunpuku,” Gaara murmured, awestruck.

What little he knew of the first jinchuuriki of Shukaku had either come from a rotation of standoffish tutors from his childhood or from Shukaku himself. Suffice to say, he didn’t know much. He certainly knew nothing of the circumstances of Bunpuku’s birth or his lineage. Everything he knew about the priest always began when the man was already old and wizened.

Bunpuku had been the nephew of the first Kazekage. It was tradition that Suna’s jinchuuriki always have some relation to the Kazekage, in order to ensure loyalty. From its foundation, Suna had always been built on tradition and nepotism, so it surprised Gaara to find out that Bunpuku was part Uzumaki.

But, if what Iruka said were true, then it made sense. Once Suna had obtained Shukaku, creating a jinchuuriki would have been priority, and excessive death was a waste of good soldiers. It was likely that Shodai Kazekage had arranged a marriage between his sibling and an Uzumaki for the sole purpose of producing a viable jinchuuriki.

“Ah, that’s right. I suppose you would be familiar with him,” Iruka smiled gently. It seemed like he wanted to be sensitive about the topic of previous jinchuuriki around Gaara, or maybe he was just trying to encourage Gaara’s interest in history. Maybe a little of both.

“Not really,” Gaara demurred. He let a tinge of reluctance color his voice, in hopes that Iruka might be able to give him more information.

Iruka seemed to understand right away. “Ah, well, I can’t say I know much more about him either. My knowledge is just related to the documents, and his involvement ends in his infancy.”

To his surprise, Gaara felt a little disappointed. Knowing more about Suna’s first jinchuuriki wouldn’t have any particular benefit to him, and yet, the little knowledge he had gathered about the man seemed hardly enough. He didn’t know the names of the other Suna jinchuuriki at all.

Before Gaara could contemplate any further, Iruka went on.

“Sometime just before the Third Shinobi War, Mito-sama was getting ready to move on and transfer the Nine-Tails to Kushina-san. She requested that Sand return the scroll she had once sent to them. It wasn’t because she didn’t remember the sealing procedure, but...she was concerned that once she was gone...well, she thought it might be a good resource for the Konoha to have after that.

“Niidaime Kazekage understood, and ordered the scroll to be returned; however, it was intercepted by a group of monks that belonged to the same sect as Bunpuku-san. They felt that what had been done to him was unjust and wanted to prevent the same fate from occurring to anyone else. Niidaime was so angry when he found out that he personally chased them down himself.

“The place where they fought became their tomb, and the documents were lost to the desert. Due to the circumstances, it was considered an area of ill fortune. I’ve read that though the Niidaime’s body was eventually recovered, many died during the process. Those bodies and the bodies of the monks are even said to haunt the area.

“Regardless, the third Kazekage restricted access to the public soon after, and Konoha gave up on recovering the documents until many years later. Naruto was just an infant, and Konoha’s council was suddenly worried about knowing the proper sealing techniques to create jinchuuriki since both of his parents, who were world-class at sealing techniques, were...gone. So third Hokage sent Mizuki and his team on the Secret Document Recovery Mission...”

The fire snapped, and Gaara leaned away from the jumping sparks. He was getting too heated to stay that close and still be comfortable. It wasn’t a shock to hear how Konoha reacted to the death of their fourth Hokage and his wife. Gaara had seen his own council put aside feelings in order to move forward pragmatically with the intention of doing the best thing for their village. He also had the unique perspective of being a jinchuuriki himself and seeing how cold their actions were. Naruto was an orphaned infant and a jinchuuriki, and the village’s first priority was recovering old documents.

Not surprising at all, as there was a truth to it that he had observed repeatedly over the years, but still disappointing. It made Gaara long for Naruto. Their situations were different now, but Gaara knew as well as Naruto did that scars could be forever.

By mistake, Gaara looked across the fire at Sasuke. He was undoubtedly paying attention now, staring down Iruka with a shadowed scowl like Iruka had personally been responsible for Konoha’s decisions back then.

Gaara looked away, though irritation was already alight in his stomach. He moved even farther from the fire and rested his hand on the canteen at his hip. He did not want to think about why sharing a similar sentiment as Sasuke over this part of the story made him feel so peevish.

As Iruka continued, Gaara took a long draught of water in an attempt to quench the burning of his insides.

“The details of the mission were unclear until years later, even after an investigation. Mizuki’s team was attacked and separated by Orochimaru’s subordinates soon after they found the documents. One of the teammates was seriously injured in the fight, and Mizuki, believing that the teammate would slow them down, ended up murdering her. Orochimaru called off his attack after that, and presented Mizuki a deal.

“Orochimaru gave Mizuki a prototype Cursed Seal in exchange for the documents. However, since it was one of the first times that Orochimaru placed the Cursed Seal on someone, it took a greater toll on him than expected. In his weakened state, he was forced to ask Mizuki to help him hide the documents.

“When Mizuki and his remaining teammate returned to the village, Mizuki reported that they had failed their mission. His other teammate had suspicions though, and that was when the investigation began, though it wasn’t a very high priority at the time. Later, despite the allegations, Mizuki even ended up teaching at the Academy with me! Ah, but that’s really a story you should ask Naruto about.”

Iruka smiled, finally coming to the end of his explanation. The fish he had been eating was long since devoured.

“After Mizuki was imprisoned, a lot of things came to light. He never told of the exact location of the documents, but Sasuke-kun, given his knowledge of Orochimaru’s network, thought he might be able to find a clue as to their whereabouts. Well, the rest is his story to tell.”

Gaara turned his attention back across the fire. Sasuke had stood up as Iruka had finished his impromptu history lesson and was stretching his legs. He didn’t move his gaze from where it was fixed on the ground in front of him, even as Iruka’s statement prompted him to be a part of the conversation.

After a beat, but still without deigning a glance at either of them, he spoke.

“Any information I gathered was in the mission briefing. I’m not going to waste my breath repeating myself.”

Iruka chuckled and replied with some harmless friendly banter that Gaara didn’t listen to. Sasuke didn’t appear to listen either, and he certainly didn’t reply. The chuunin instructor wasn’t offended though. He just sank back, leaning into his elbows, and gazed up at the speckled night sky. Light from the fire washed across his face which rested in a contented smile. He seemed like he was relaxing at a campfire among friends, instead of being trapped in the actual chilly and disjointed atmosphere that hung over Gaara and Sasuke.

“Anyway, I’m taking first watch,” Sasuke decided. Without waiting for any confirmation or protest, he shunshined high into the tree, high enough to be out of sight but still perceptible by a subtle rustling of leaves as he situated himself.

Gaara turned to Iruka.

There were bones of a question stuck in his throat. The heat of the fire had left him, and he was left with little motivation to flesh out his thoughts into something he could ask Iruka.

Iruka seemed to be able to read his mind anyway, or at least guess at his feelings. His eyebrows were soft with something that looked like sympathy.

“We should get some rest.”

-

Sleep was against Gaara’s nature. He waited fifteen minutes after hearing Iruka’s light snores before shucking off the pretense of sleeping. He wandered over to the fire, which was beginning to peter out, and built it back up to a strong blaze again.

With that out of the way, he took one last sweeping look around their campsite, and finding nothing out of place, he figured he might as well scout around the area. There were some reports he had brought with him for review, but he had all night, and he wasn’t in a hurry to get to them. The mountain of papers for his revision when he inevitably returned to Suna taunted him from the future.

He also wanted to get out from under the chafing surveillance of Sasuke, who for some reason felt the need to keep watch. Gaara wanted to label the action as over-cautious, but he couldn’t. If Sasuke had gone to sleep with Iruka, Gaara knew he would be the one up in the trees monitoring the camp below.

As he reached the edge of the firelight’s reach, he thought about his last night with Naruto.

“ _I feel...jealous.”_

He reasoned that his judgment had been accurate. Jealously seemed like a sound reason why he continually felt the need to criticize every choice the Uchiha made, even if it was only in his mind. Though, he also had to admit to himself that doing so wasn’t beneficial in any way. So far, mentally tearing Sasuke down hadn’t made him feel any better. _It wasn’t like Naruto was listening and being convinced..._

He paused in the shadows just beyond their camp’s perimeter. A breeze whisked through the trees and brushed past him, leaving behind a slight chill.

He knew he would never say anything out loud like that to Naruto. There were several reasons why, and Gaara swallowed them all before he could let them fully form in his mind. His throat throbbed, and he tried to redirect his thoughts to something else, but his heart would always bring him back to Naruto.

And right now—Naruto was bringing him right back to Sasuke.

What did he even have to be jealous of?

Sasuke with his good looks—

His flawless mastery of ninja skills—

His preternatural talent and intelligence—

His long-standing history with Naruto—

His Konoha citizenship. His ability to live next to—or hell, even live _with_ Naruto if he wanted. If he chose. If he even had the slightest whim, he could just drop by at any time. And the citizens of Konoha would probably expect it—were probably expecting it now.

Their union wouldn’t have the same political implications. They wouldn’t be bound to villages days apart. Sasuke could support a working Hokage, he could be someone to come home to, someone there.

Sasuke, who for some inscrutable reason, was never irredeemable in Naruto’s eyes. When Gaara compared his own past to Sasuke’s—the murder, the intimidation, the fear. The isolation. The lack of empathy. He wondered whether Naruto’s forgiveness came with a time limit. He wondered if there were any limits to it at all.

Sasuke had been older, and his crimes were, in the opinion of many, worse. Would Naruto have forgiven Gaara if they had met later? If they had never met at all? If Gaara had done the same things as Sasuke? Or was Sasuke an exception?

Gaara could spend all night comparing himself to Sasuke, and it wouldn’t be the first time.

He thought about the photo of Team 7 in Naruto’s room.

He thought about Sasuke’s _hitai-ate_ that Naruto had kept for years.

Did Naruto have any memento related to Gaara?

And then of course, on top of the prickling fear of inadequacy came the heavy crush of guilt.

How could he assume all of these things about Naruto?

His thoughts went in circles, fighting each other endlessly. The only thing they could come to an agreement on was that Naruto would never get tired of Sasuke, and that wasn’t a comforting idea.

After some time, Gaara realized that he wasn’t actually doing any scouting at all. His self-doubt was wound thick around him, blocking out his awareness as much as if he’d been asleep. He turned around back towards camp and resolved to stay alert on the way back. He didn’t anticipate any trouble, but he didn’t want the purpose of his wandering to be so...

_Piteous_.

Though, as soon a he tuned his mind into his surroundings, he was nearly pulled back under by the cold and clammy negative emotions.

Sasuke had followed him.

He wondered if he should say something. He got halfway back to camp before he did.

“Sasuke.”

A rush of air displaced next to him, and then Sasuke was there by his side, quick as a summoned ANBU soldier.

Gaara didn’t actually know how to direct this conversation that he started.

“You followed me,” he stated simply.

Sasuke walked along beside him, matching his stride. Other than the guarded nature that never left his presence, Sasuke did not seem upset or angry.

“You weren’t sleep-walking,” Sasuke stated, trading a fact for a fact.

Gaara stumbled on something on the ground, but he didn’t break pace. They kept moving forward together, through the darkness. Neither made mention of it.

The burden of conversation was back in Gaara’s lap. As much as he preferred to be blunt, he was not about to bring up his deep seated fears that Naruto and Sasuke were better suited for each other to Sasuke’s face.

“I don’t sleep much. It’s...a Shukaku thing. I never slept back then, and only very little now,” Gaara conceded.

He was certain that Sasuke didn’t know the side-effects of being a jinchuuriki of Shukaku. Most people seemed to be under the impression that all tailed-beasts affected their host in the same way, and Gaara didn’t blame them. There just wasn’t a lot of information out there about jinchuuriki.

He thought back to Iruka’s brief mention of Bunpuku, and a forlorn pang echoed through him.

“If you are concerned I will be tired and slow us down tomorrow, it’s unnecessary,” Gaara added.

Sasuke said nothing in response, though Gaara hadn’t expected him to. By now, the glow of the campfire was reaching out to them with welcome orange and yellow flickering hues.

Sasuke stopped just outside of the illuminated bubble.

“You don’t trust me,” he said.

Gaara stalled too. One more step and they would be back in the light. He might be able to read the expression on Sasuke’s face, but then, Sasuke would be able to read his too.

Frankly, he had no idea what to make of the comment, let alone how to respond.

Of course he didn’t trust Sasuke! How could he, after everything? How could he ever, when Naruto, who trusted Sasuke with his life, had almost paid that life for that trust? Jealousy and insecurity aside, Gaara had a very real reason to distrust Sasuke, and it came to him in nightmares as images of purple swollen skin and bloody missing limbs.

“Hn.” Sasuke was apparently out of patience for an answer, and stepped briskly into the light.

Gaara stared after him thoroughly confused. He couldn’t begin to fathom how Sasuke could act insulted over Gaara’s lack of trust. He didn’t even understand why Sasuke would even want to have his trust. And the worst part of all, Gaara felt like he was somehow letting Naruto down by not giving Sasuke the benefit of the doubt.

Gaara moved out of the darkness to return to his place near the fire. Sasuke hadn’t gone back to his post in the trees. Instead he was unrolling his sleeping bag next to Iruka’s.

The morning felt like it had happened days ago, but Gaara once again got the feeling that the universe was mocking him somehow. He watched in bewilderment as Sasuke went to sleep without another word or glance his way.

Though he stared at the fire, Gaara couldn’t stop himself from monitoring Sasuke’s breathing until he was sure he was asleep. Only then did he release the tension from his muscles that he hadn’t known he’d been storing.

The yellow tips of the flames beckoned for him. Reminded him of Naruto’s hair being ruffled by the wind.

He sat on the ground as if to meditate, then hugged his arms around himself. The entire day had been so inexplicably bizarre, that for once, Gaara could feel his exhaustion. He let his eyes fall closed, the light of the fire moving in waves over his eyelids. He let the warm colors roll over him, leading him to one root of certainty out of the entire mess of his current circumstance.

Love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also lol typical me writing the most complicated and outrageous backstory to justify them having to go on a mission together. why do i torture myself like this?


End file.
